Sunday, April 15, 2012

What the hell am I doing?

No, seriously. It is now officially school vacation week. Yesterday we had a nice birthday party for Xander and my best friend (S)'s son J. Xanders turned 2 yesterday and J turned 1... it was a kinda big party, but it actually wasn't. Together S and I have 8 children. Anytime our kids are together it looks like a big party.

The party was fun. Good times with good people and the kids were all great. Afterwards, looking at pictures, I realized just how huge I really am. Now trust me, this isn't one of those "oh look at poor me" drama statements. Its the statement of a 30 year old diabetic with 2 challenged children who needs to her head back into the game. S is beautiful... and tiny. I don't think I'm ugly, but I need some work. And not work because I think skinny is beautiful.... work because this simply isn't healthy and isn't being the best me I can be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still 30lbs less than I was this time last year. I worked hard for that and I'm still very proud of that but when everything exploded with the kids, schools, evals, etc... I let myself fall to the back burner. I managed to only put back on about 2lbs but I didn't lose anymore. This has to change. I have to go back to being serious. I have to take care of myself. Lately, more than ever, I am acutely aware of the fact that no one is going to do anything for me. I have to do this myself. Likewise, if I get seriously sick no one is going to fix it for me. I have to get stronger in body, mind, and spirit.

I don't think I'm weak. I don't think I'm horrible or awful or ugly. I am constantly aware that I don't live up to the standards of those I respect. I always seem to be a day late and a dollar short, but its never from lack of effort. However, I've known this and I haven't done anything to fix it.

That's going to change.


  1. You are perfect! But you're only as good as you feel and yes, you NEED to be healthy for your babies. I am very proud of you for that first 30 (!!!) pounds under (umm... off??) your belt and you CAN do this, you already have! We can remotely walk away some pounds together! ;) I love you!! :)

  2. I love you too! I'm going to start that walking thing after my ears are tubed on Thursday =)