She's frustrated....

My girl. That's pretty much how she feels about life right now. There's very little true happiness. In her school picture she looks scared, but she's smiling.

We made the decision to take a break from karate. The studio was wonderful and we don't regret a second we spent there, but right now she can't handle it. The stress of learning her forms, the stress of holding herself together in such a large group, the stress of feeling lost if one of the instructors wasn't by her side constantly. I'm sure I could have asked about the feasibility of someone being dedicated to her. I could have asked if I could be with her on the mats. I probably would have been more than welcome to do that, but lately she's becoming more and more unreachable.  I talked to her pediatrician, her therapist, my closest friends, her daddy, and just about anyone else who would listen. She loves Miss Lauren, Miss Meagan, Mr Brandon, and several other of her karate instructors and they had all been phenomenal with her. Finally I decided to talk to her and see how she felt. When we talked about taking a break from karate she said "I don't want to quit but I really need a break. It's too stressful." That was all I needed. If I can lessen the stress of her life even a little bit I will definitely do so.

She's at a loss without a clear cut schedule deciding her day for her. She will wander aimlessly trying to decide what to do with herself. It would be very simple to write out a schedule but my other kids find schedules stifling and overwhelming. There really isn't a right answer here.

Yesterday afternoon I received an email from her teacher. Right after lunch she began to tell her teacher she couldn't take it anymore. According to the email she was hitting herself in the head and highly upset because the voices were too loud. She's in a general education classroom. She doesn't have an aid. Her teacher is awesome but on her own. Her teacher ended up having to find immediate coverage for her class and taking my girl to the adjustment counselor. I was floored as I read the email. Up until then Beth hadn't mentioned any of it outside of her therapist and our home. I found myself incredibly thankful that we called a team meeting and had explained everything to the team two weeks ago. No one was caught off guard but the teacher does report it as an event that caught her off guard.

After that kind of day it was no surprise that we struggled so hard last night. She read as loud as she could in an attempt to drown out the voices. She cried, she played with the dog, she read a yarn magazine, watched cartoons, and did everything in her power to be okay. It was very late when she finally went to sleep.

Where do we go from here?

Today we go to Children's. I scheduled this appointment back in November. We're seeing a pediatric neurologist who is going to evaluate her and help us find the supports and hopefully the answers we need. They will also make recommendations for school supports and help us find ways to make her world less hostile.

Most of you who read this knows this... but its worth it to say anyways:

My child is not some freak of nature. She's a fun girl. She loves people, friends, and being included. If you were to see her for an afternoon the chances of you guessing that this was going on would be slim to none. She holds herself together so well and she makes me so proud as she faces these challenges everyday.