Christmas

Christmas has come... and is now going....

It proved to be a rollercoaster holiday emotionally, which was quite fitting since 2012 in general was a rollercoaster year emotionally. I'm happy to say that I've made great stride in learning to process emotions and reach out to people who can help me process emotions when I get stuck. Despite the hurts I've felt over the last day or so, I feel better and stronger for how I handled them. Can't really ask for better than that.

That being said, the most important part of this holiday was that my children be happy. And happy they were... (when they weren't overwhelmed and melting down, which did happen a time or two).

Had to skip pictures of Peter since he insisted on not wearing pants and I just don't think his underwear pictures really fit here...lol.

Its now 8:12pm. They are quiet. The boys and Joelene are asleep. Beth is quietly playing her video game and processing through the day. The dog ate some M&Ms. She seems fine. We are back to normalcy around here.

2012

2012 has been an intense year. A year I haven't really kept much, if any, written log of.

I wanted to. I knew I should... but I held back everytime I thought about it. I came up with a thousand different reasons why I shouldn't share our story. I still have some of those concerns but mostly I think I was just afraid of opening up. Going forward I want to combat that fear. I want to be open and keep a journal of our experiences.

I follow some blogs with some regularity. Some of people I communicate with, others because their story touches me. Some of them are careful to hide their children's names, or their locations... others share their locations and names with no issues. I probably should take more care to mask my children's identities but the truth is that this is the internet. Anyone who really wants to find out who they are is going to. And why someone would want to go through all that work really baffles me. Most of my readers already know that anyways... ya know, all 10 of you...lol.

So 2012....

We danced with child onset schizophrenia, anxiety, emerging personality disorders, autism, and ADHD. We struggled through speech delays, sensory issues, cognitive delays, and ongoing destructive behaviors. We struggled with self harm, aggression, and pathological lies.

But.... that didn't define us. That was not all we did.

We crochet owl hats, other hats, scarves, santa hats, and many failed projects...

We went to the beach.

We had play dates and formed bonds with friends who understood that we weren't going to be "typical".

We started to form bonds with each other in meaningful ways (we still have our moments, but I'll take the good when I can get it.)

We learned to ride bikes.

We got kittens!!

We sang with the school chorus.

We did so much more, as a family and separately. I went back to school, took an advocacy class, learned a lot from a few of the best friends a girl could possibly ask for, and learned not to expect anything more from someone than they are capable of giving. I know who will be there for me no matter what time, day or night, that I need them. Now I just need to learn how to ask for that help when I need it.

So wrapping up 2012 I find myself encouraged. The road will be rocky and hard but there is so much left to learn and that is really exciting!

Fighter

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

~Christina Aguilera~ 

As the year draws to a close I've done some reflecting over the last year. So much has happened that I didn't blog about... some because the time to tell our story publicly hasn't come yet and some because I was just too tired of it all. 

My girl has had her ups and downs this year. After a very rocky start to the calendar year we ended up having a great summer. We had to mediate her IEP in July and ended up entirely changing her school placement which has still been nothing but a disaster but that fight is far from over. What I noticed was that this summer she was so together. We went to the beach a few times, we went to the zoo, we had a huge birthday bash, and she learned to ride her bike without training wheels! It was just a great overall summer. School started and the psychosis kicked back in. Its disheartening, but I've noticed a few things about the both of us. 

She can tell me she's struggling. How awesome is that?? I don't always have to guess now. Sometimes she's able to come right out and tell me something is wrong. She may not be able to tell me what, but she can tell me something is wrong.

She trusts me enough to talk about what's going on in her head. She can't explain it usually but she can tell me and share her world with me. She finally understands that I accept her world and I accept her. It has made a huge difference in her frustration levels and her ability to learn coping skills.

Those two accomplishments alone would be more than enough for me but she's made several more. She can now name adults she trusts, she can now ride her bike without training wheels, she's able to identify her interests, she can ask for her space when she feels she needs it, she is appropriately identifying her emotions far better than ever before, and she has expressed in words that home makes her feel safe and protected.

I mean really, how awesome is she?! 

My battles to get her a free and appropriate education and the services she needs in school has taught me a ton about myself. I never thought I was strong enough to fight for things like this. I know I have serious anxiety issues and I was sure that the anxiety would hold me back but what I learned instead is that when I get irritated I can focus better. I've found that I have become stronger, more confident, far more educated, and far less willing to accept answers that don't feel right. I no longer have any problem letting everyone know how I feel in a respectful but firm way.

This year has changed me in immeasurable ways. I've lost some close friendships and gained others. I have changed my school path for myself so I can get a degree in Human Services and I can really help people. I am happy with the person I am becoming and for the first time in a long long time I am starting to feel proud of myself. 

What the hell am I doing?

No, seriously. It is now officially school vacation week. Yesterday we had a nice birthday party for Xander and my best friend (S)'s son J. Xanders turned 2 yesterday and J turned 1... it was a kinda big party, but it actually wasn't. Together S and I have 8 children. Anytime our kids are together it looks like a big party.

The party was fun. Good times with good people and the kids were all great. Afterwards, looking at pictures, I realized just how huge I really am. Now trust me, this isn't one of those "oh look at poor me" drama statements. Its the statement of a 30 year old diabetic with 2 challenged children who needs to her head back into the game. S is beautiful... and tiny. I don't think I'm ugly, but I need some work. And not work because I think skinny is beautiful.... work because this simply isn't healthy and isn't being the best me I can be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still 30lbs less than I was this time last year. I worked hard for that and I'm still very proud of that but when everything exploded with the kids, schools, evals, etc... I let myself fall to the back burner. I managed to only put back on about 2lbs but I didn't lose anymore. This has to change. I have to go back to being serious. I have to take care of myself. Lately, more than ever, I am acutely aware of the fact that no one is going to do anything for me. I have to do this myself. Likewise, if I get seriously sick no one is going to fix it for me. I have to get stronger in body, mind, and spirit.

I don't think I'm weak. I don't think I'm horrible or awful or ugly. I am constantly aware that I don't live up to the standards of those I respect. I always seem to be a day late and a dollar short, but its never from lack of effort. However, I've known this and I haven't done anything to fix it.

That's going to change.

Umm... yeah

So... did I mention that I was a week ahead of myself? This isn't vacation week. Try explaining that to a child with severe routine issues... lol. Luckily she loves school so she was relieved when I told her I was wrong.

We had a decent Easter... Beth and Peter were emotional messes by bedtime but that's pretty normal when it comes to holidays. We don't do big family functions so its really just the excitement and anticipation of the day plus the change in routine. They both work so hard to hold themselves together though.

I'm getting tubes put in my ears next Thursday so I can finally hear again and get rid of this nasty sinus crap that simply refuses to let me be. For whatever reason my ears refuse to drain and cause me all kinds of problems. Soooooooooo not fun.

Aside from that its been pretty humdrum around here. I'm crocheting still.. I need to do a picture blog soon!

Spring vacation...

Yep. It's the official beginning of spring vacation here. Day 1 and we've already had one sobbing meltdown. No, it wasn't me.

This one was Joelene. Princess Peanut cried for about 30 minutes because she says she can't believe in God, the Easter bunny, or Santa Claus. She says she can't believe in anything she can't see. We had a long talk about love, wind, and other various things she believes in but can't see. We talked about faith and trust. I think she gets it now but she's only 6 so only time will tell.

Mr. Monkey is turning 2 next week. I can't believe my baby is turning 2. He's growing so much but still has some very strong sensory issues. We are working on that and I believe the autism specialist that is going to start working with Peter is going to check Xander out just to be sure.

Still waiting on the written eval from the Dr. K about Beth. Once I have that we can continue the battle with the school to get my girl what she needs.

I'm trying to figure out what we are going to do this week to keep my kidlets occupied and engaged. I think maybe we might try a walk to the park one of these days depending on how my ears feel. I have to have my ears drained again on Monday. Fun stuff!

I feel like writing...

...but have no idea where to start. Today has been an incredibly difficult day and yet I can't pinpoint why. Today there was a crushing weight on my shoulders. It was like an iron blanket that refused to be lifted. I could taste the stress and it was choking me. I was lost in my own anxiety about things I simply can't control.

And then Peter fell asleep on me. Snuggled up against me as close as he could. Slowly the blanket slipped off. I could breathe again. As my child snuggled against me suddenly everything weighing me down didn't mean a whole hell of a lot. I was reminded why I'm in this battle to start with.

On a totally separate note Beth was found eligible to test for placement in the gifted and talented program. It's definitely something to consider. I'll have to sleep on that one.