Waiting...

I've been waiting to post. I have a big huge idea for a post that I need to do, more for me than anything else. Really I write for me. When I do write.

This last week or two has been kinda rough for me. I'm 7 days away from a full month of not smoking and I ditched the horrible Chantix. I hit a point with the Chantix where dying was starting to sound like a beautiful and wonderful idea. That day I knew I had to stop. My girls are incredibly proud of me for not smoking anymore. I didn't realize how much THEY wanted me to quit. Their excitement over me putting down the cigarettes is reason enough to stick with it. I don't want to disappoint my kids if I can at all avoid it.

See, I haven't always been a great parent. I don't even know that I'm a great parent now. What I do know is that I have improved exponentially since the early years. In the early years I was overworked, overtired, and overwhelmed. My girls had their needs met. I worked long and hard hours, but emotionally I just wasn't invested or present. I couldn't be, I couldn't find time to be. I worked 45-60 hours a week and was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night. I wasn't taking care of myself physically, mentally, or even emotionally. I merely existed. I followed every step given to me by every therapist and doctor, faithfully, no questions asked. I truly believed I was being a great parent.

Fast forward a few years... it really wasn't until 2010 that I started to realize that I was doing things all wrong. That I really liked the Xanax prescription my doctor gave me a little too much (okay a LOT too much but that was a secret). I truly believe in many ways that Xander saved me. Saved all of us. I loved Xanax, but I loved Xander more. The night pregnancy test came back positive I stopped. I couldn't have done it without the support I was blessed with (and hours long phone calls) by two people who have never ever given up on me even in my worst moments. A lot more happened... we're just going to fast forward again.

So now we have this baby and we're desperately fighting to get services. Beth is over 3 so EI is out of the picture and there's NO ONE willing to help. She's too young for everywhere we try and the few people that will see her tell me they are pretty sure she's schizophrenic and they can't handle that in a 4 year old. Joelene is busy destroying everything she can get her hands on, Peter won't talk. Hell, he'll only scream. For hours. Every day. We start evals for Peter and my job says "Sorry, this isn't working out."

THAT is where I started to realize that I wasn't a good mother.

And this is a good place to stop because this is going to lead into where I'm headed next.

A Good Kind of Tired...

I wasn't going to write this tonight... I really wasn't going to to do anything tonight, but it sort of ended up being one of those nights where I couldn't shut my thoughts off.

The children... they shut down hard right about 8 pm. Which is a true testament to their awesome day since we got home around 7:15 pm roughly. The entire afternoon went off without one meltdown. No signs of obvious anxiety, depression, or drastic over-stimulation. It was as close to a perfect afternoon as I think I've ever seen. I really didn't want it to end. It was just so perfect.

All good things have to end though, and nothing good ever comes without a price, right?

Typically even the best days end with at least one massive meltdown. Tonight Beth cried a little as she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with Joelene branching out socially and when another child wouldn't let her kick a ball. And then she went to sleep. The epic meltdown never happened. And the things she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with are the very same things that were just written into her IEP on Friday as new goals (branching out socially and handling peer conflict) so there's no surprise that she found those two things a struggle.

Yeah, I think I can handle this.

Coming up....

Maybe, in the near future, I'll get better at titles. Probably not, but maybe....

There's a massive amount of things running through my brain that I really want to make sense of so this space is going to be for that. Those of you that I know personally who read this will absolutely find it interesting. If you don't... well, you can't say my blog was every really that interesting to start with then, can you.

Its going to get raw, at times uncomfortable, and sometimes it won't make sense right away. But its going to  be one hell of a ride!


Tomorrow night Beth has her all city choral night. She's so nervous but so very excited to share what she's worked so hard on all year. I intend to video it so she can watch it later and so not-so-local family and friends can see it. I think I've decided to leave my boys at home. They really don't do well in large groups of people and its going to be late evening so there's really no reason to push them. Joelene can't wait to see her sister perform though!  I'm not sure who's more excited!

And I have it on good authority that some of the grandparents will be in attendance. B will be SO excited when she realizes that. Good things for my good girl! <3 data-blogger-escaped-p="">

Things that make you go hmmmm....

These last couple weeks have been one hell of a ride. I'm drowning in school work, dealing with a massively crazy car situation, and of course working with the kids. The kids are doing very well and for that I'm truly thankful.

Xander is exploding with new skills, better vocabulary, and better people skills. His sensory issues are still fairly serious but for the most part he's happy and that's really what I've been working towards with him. He's turning 3 next month and although he's still delayed in his skillset I'm really encouraged by what I've been seeing in him.

Peter is going through some angry days at school still and really doesn't like going to school anymore. Luckily he has an awesome teacher who is just as determined as we are to find out why. I have a sneaking suspicion that its the rigidity in thinking that we are seeing at play here.

Joelene has blossomed so much in the last couple of weeks and I really hope we continue with this upward trend. She's been so helpful around the house and the constant stealing and lying has definitely decreased. I think the collaborative problem solving technique is working with her.

Beth is doing okay. We are still in a holding pattern with her but she's really demonstrating amazing self control. We are still working on effective communication and this summer I plan to introduce gardening to her and see if getting her out in nature doing something she's shown interest in will help her center herself. I'm glad I didn't panic and medicate her a few months ago when it got really bad.

All in all I'm incredibly excited to see how much progress we've made with the kids without medication. I'm definitely not knocking medication. I know in some cases its very necessary but in our life so far we have made drastic parenting changes and have used therapy, social stories, patience, and lifestyle changes and so far this seems to be working. It may not always work, but I'll take the positives when I can get them...lol.

Winter...

... needs to go away.

Seriously. The blizzard was cool, its been awhile since we've had that much snow at once and the kids thought it was amazing! Aside from that, winter has been cold and uncaring this year.

Joelene's been sick on and off for what seems like weeks now. Nothing major, just annoying. The boys and I now have a massive cold. I'm drowning in school work for 5 classes and 2 of those are accelerated 7 week classes so I've literally barely had time to breathe. Add to that Peter's "angry" meltdowns and Beth's spikes in anxiety over yet another project at school (this would be project number 3... the anxiety is getting worse with each project) and the boys' sudden and unexplained fear of dogs we've owned for a year or more... yeah its been crazy.

I've only made it out of the house for quick store runs, my husband's weekly appointment, or the inevitable runs I have to make to the school every couple of weeks for Beth since November. My own health is iffy mostly because of stress coming at me from all directions.

So I started simplifying. I am making an active effort to stretch every hour. I've damn near tripled my water intake. I've simplified my nightly prayers/blessings because it was taking over 40 minutes a night to get through what I wanted to and I don't sleep all that much as it is so I needed a new game plan there. I like the simplified format better and nothing really had to be cut down.

I've been spending some time inbetween school work researching ways to cut expenses. I'm going to grow our vegetables this summer, we're going to eat very light this summer and focus on hitting sales to stock our freezers for the winter, and we're going to slim down birthdays and Christmas to fun but financially responsible.

I really need the spring to come back so I can get outside. I really feel better overall, and so do the kids, when we're outside. The girls are much more stable in mood, temperament  and mental health when they can spend most of the day riding bikes and playing in the yard. We all benefit hugely from being out in the sun!

The sounds of silence...

I haven't had much to say... for awhile there wasn't much going on.

To be honest, that was awesome. The kids were holding pretty steady. I, however, wasn't. I was very lost in a quiet depression I wasn't sure how to get out of. I watched as some relationships started drifting away because I wasn't able to put in the effort to hold them close. And then there were the couple of relationships that didn't drift anywhere because those people weren't about to let me drift away, whether they realized it or not. It was a pretty eye opening month in that respect.

My classes started back up and I read something in my Human Growth and Development class that shook me a little bit. It was a study about how a mother's mood affects small children. It scared me a little actually. The kids were doing so well and I was worried that if I stayed in my quiet and depressed mood I would inadvertently launch them into a depression and lets be honest, Beth doesn't need any help in that area. I started making small changes. More time on the floor playing with cars, more time playing video games with the kids (instead of watching them play), I've been teaching Joelene to crochet (Beth has no interest), and a renewed effort at guiding play between the boys. What I discovered is that we all were happier. There was more laughter, more fun, and less arguments. The kids were cooperating more. I was starting to enjoy life again.

We've had some major gains this month, aside from that. Xander is articulating so much better. He's questioning everything and showing a huge desire to learn. He's affectionate and silly. Instead of hurting our small animals he's loving on them. His sensory issues and temper issues are still significant and he is still not gaining in academic skills but verbally he making huge gains. He's also eating better foods with no fight. And he's growing like a weed. I can't believe my littlest one is going to be 3 soon!

Joelene is being not quite so devious. Since she's started crocheting she's redirected her focus into her craft. She's trying harder to be patient and working harder at her social skills. She's blossoming under the collaborative problem solving we are using, and she's made huge strides socially in school. She's turning into a little lady... almost like she's 7 going on 17. We still have a good amount of work to do on appropriate relationships, boundaries and attachments but I really have hope lately that she's going to have a great future. She's already thinking about college and a career.

Peter has had a few setbacks. He's having "angry days" at school. We aren't at all sure where the anger is coming from or why and his teacher is pretty concerned too. Right now we are all working as a team (home, school and therapist) to help him work through this. Anger isn't something Peter has had an issue with in over a year so its very worrisome that something is bothering him so badly. When he isn't angry, however, he's the sweetest little boy.

And Beth... my sweet Beth. She's made many gains at home when it comes to telling us how she feels. She's able to give herself a break when she needs one and the psychotic episodes have settled down quite a bit. The meltdowns and manic episodes have become far less and much more manageable and I am able to prompt her into breathing exercises. This is huge for her. During the school week, though, she's having extreme headaches (possible migraines), reflux, occasional vomiting, and serious sensory issues. We have pretty much pinned those down to stress reactions. We are still working with the school to come up with a way to make school a bearable place for her. One of the challenges there is that she holds it all inside and waits until she gets home to fall apart. Today was report card day. This child had a damn near perfect report card and literally melted down and decided she couldn't eat pizza at school for 1 week because she didn't get all A+'s. A's weren't good enough. They had to be A+'s.

And that's our update. Its mostly sunshine... and that makes me truly happy. Yes, at least two of them have severe mental illnesses. Life isn't miserable. We are constantly growing, learning, and expanding ourselves. We have our setbacks and our down times. We have our nights full of nightmares, our psychotic episodes, our violence, aggression, suicidal ideations, migraines, and refusal to eat. But we get through those times one breath at a time and those times make these quiet (mostly) pleasant times so much sweeter.

Busy...

Its been longer than I would have liked since my last post. I've had a ton of ideas but forgot them by the time I made it back here. Then I'd sit here and draw a blank about what I wanted to write. A little bit like I'm doing now. I had great ideas as I was falling asleep last night and now I just don't have much of anything, but I promised myself I'd write today.

With me, that means I'm going to ramble. When I ramble the posts go all over the place but truthfully those are the ones I find most helpful and insightful to myself later on and as much as I love the people who read what I write in the end I actually do it for myself mostly. 

What's on my mind right now? I'm seriously considering the Galaxy III over the iPhone 5. I know, sounds expensive but with my upgrade plus the trade in value of my current phone either way it won't be expensive at all. And I can't upgrade until July, but I like to have a well thought out plan before the actual event takes place. The problem is this plan is giving me a headache because I can't decide. Which is exactly why I start now and don't wait until July. 

Oddly enough, its behaviors like that one that have caught my attention lately. I need 6 months to choose how to use my cell phone upgrade. I need a month's notice before school meetings. I need two semesters of my classes planned out at a time. This isn't for scheduling reasons, this is merely for emotional preparedness. I want to be social and be involved in social situations but social situations exhaust and frustrate me. I don't even try family functions anymore. One of the best things that has happened to me is "S" because she doesn't really give me an option about when I'm attending birthday parties. 

Why bother mentioning this? Because three of my children are the exact same way and two of them have some type of ASD. Now I'm not trying to say I have an ASD. At this point in my life it wouldn't matter if I did or didn't, but what I'm trying to say is, I understand better than I ever realized I did how these situations feel for them. Its been pretty enlightening.

Ummm what else?

Oh! I solved the baffling pasta issue with Peter. Peter would eat some kinds of pasta but not others even when prepared exactly the same, or some types he'd eat prepared one way he wouldn't touch prepared another. It turns out that it has to be totally smooth elbow pasta. If there are ridges or it is otherwise shaped he can't stand the feel of it on his tongue. I have no idea why but I find this fascinating. Home made macaroni and cheese simply isn't a tolerable option. It has to be boxed macaroni and cheese but the texture is so different that I don't know why I didn't see this earlier.

Lucretia McEvil thinks she has an evil soul. Or she did yesterday. Yesterday she was pretty much a jerk. To everyone who didn't give her exactly what she wanted when she wanted it. Then ALL the sudden.... she wasn't a jerk anymore. She has this awesome "flip of a switch" thing going on. So far today she's been great, though so I will definitely give her that!

Pooh Bear came home from school deathly ill on Friday. You know, I may be prone to some exaggeration.  Anyways, she was sick at school and I had to go get her. She complained a lot about her head hurting and there's been a massive stomach bug going around so I figured she had the bug. What we ended up dealing with seemed more like a migraine than a bug but we actually saw some real catatonic episodes and absolute disorganized thinking which was a bit scary, I won't lie. There has been no more catatonic episodes since Friday night so I believe the catatonia was brought on by the vomiting but its something we are absolutely keeping an eye on.

And that covers everyone for now! 

<3 data-blogger-escaped-nbsp="" data-blogger-escaped-p="">

Spring vacation...

Yep. It's the official beginning of spring vacation here. Day 1 and we've already had one sobbing meltdown. No, it wasn't me.

This one was Joelene. Princess Peanut cried for about 30 minutes because she says she can't believe in God, the Easter bunny, or Santa Claus. She says she can't believe in anything she can't see. We had a long talk about love, wind, and other various things she believes in but can't see. We talked about faith and trust. I think she gets it now but she's only 6 so only time will tell.

Mr. Monkey is turning 2 next week. I can't believe my baby is turning 2. He's growing so much but still has some very strong sensory issues. We are working on that and I believe the autism specialist that is going to start working with Peter is going to check Xander out just to be sure.

Still waiting on the written eval from the Dr. K about Beth. Once I have that we can continue the battle with the school to get my girl what she needs.

I'm trying to figure out what we are going to do this week to keep my kidlets occupied and engaged. I think maybe we might try a walk to the park one of these days depending on how my ears feel. I have to have my ears drained again on Monday. Fun stuff!

Finished!

It's finally done! 

It took over a year, and right now I'm snuggled up on the couch with my masterpiece. I was going to wash it but right now its keeping me sooooo warm! 

Guess its time to make more stuff animals. The kids LOVE the dragon I made last week.

Today was supposed to be a karate day.... but my lower back and my knee are not in any shape to go anywhere. I'm still waiting on the MRI to be scheduled. My back is more than likely arthritis and the bulging discs but my knee is seeming to be more serious. I went through 6 weeks of PT and made great progress but the evaluator says it is most likely a cartilage/meniscus injury. I was referred to an ortho who confirmed that those are her suspicions too and now I'm waiting on the MRI to confirm. My primary care said if it is in fact some time of injury I'm going to be looking at knee surgery. Not at all looking forward to that but trying not to get ahead of myself.

So this morning while I was trying like hell to entertain them while not hurting myself I decided to play the episodes of Sid the Science Kid that I had recorded on our DVR. The three older kids were engrossed in a matter of minutes. The episodes we watched were on inertia and elasticity. The girls really learned and are able to explain back to their daddy what they learned. This led to me printing out worksheets for the kids to do. Joelene did almost 10 math worksheets in less than an hour at a first grade level with only 1 wrong answer. And she was working by herself. She did some letters worksheets too but she doesn't like letters as well as she likes numbers.

We're having a good day.

Friday night.....

As one son screams, two girls yell, and the second son looks on patiently..... I realize that this might be a great weekend to do some picture taking. And maybe some crochet animals. And finish the book I'm reading. And work on the afghan I've been crocheting for a year now. And... well, you get the point.

How does chaos bring about these thoughts? No clue, I thought maybe you'd have the answer.

This has been an insanely long and busy week! Beth started her after school program and she absolutely loves it! The girls are still going to karate and I'm slowly seeing some real improvements. They are building back the confidence they lost two weeks ago. Monkey-doodle has been chatting up a storm and running around like a crazy person.... and I'm loving every minute of it!

Peter had a rough week in school. Something (no clue what) happened at the end of last week. Something at school scared him horribly. Like to the point that he was simply never going back, in his opinion. All he could tell me was that school is scary, but no details. I called his teacher, I talked to the special ed coordinator, and came close to talking to the principal. No one could pinpoint what it was. A week later he still insists he's not going, but has a good day once he gets there.

Princess Jolie went apple picking with school today and had so much fun! I was seriously starting to consider the possibility of homeschooling but when I asked the girls if they'd rather learn at home or at school and they were quick to answer that they'd rather go to school.

This weekend we're doing karate and then we're going to spend the weekend hanging out together. Some yard work, movies maybe, and just celebrating each other and the strengths we all bring to this family. They're buttheads sometimes but I adore them.

Thinking Out Loud (Sort of)...

     So the school thing.... temporarily (or maybe permenantly?) on hold. I've been thinking a lot about that today. I don't like how it feels to not keep going but I know right now it is the best decision.... especially that specific degree. I'm logical enough (most days) to know that the career path wouldn't work with my chaotic children. The thing is... I hate change. Even change that is for the best. I hate starting new things, ending things, new places, new routines... all change really. I don't know for sure whether this stems from my rather severe anxiety issues, or whether this is something entirely independant. Something to think about....

     Back to the school thing. That career path just wouldn't work. I knew that. I knew that long before it was pointed out to me several times. Right now I can't see a career path that would work. I have two kids on the autism spectrum, one with emotional/behavioral issues, and a baby. I can't afford daycare (and would never launch my crew at a poor unsuspecting daycare provider). I was thinking today that maybe I could work on a degree in child psychology. Even if I never use it for a career path it will help me understand my children and help me make better decisions for them (and with them). Once they are all in school maybe I could work for Early Intervention or something like that.

     On a completely different note, today with Joelene was a complete nightmare. Jolie has been spending a lot of time alone everyday in her room. Normally I don't mind this but its starting to get excessive. The weather today is amazing so I told her to go outside... and that's when the nightmare began. Peter was out playing on the (newly) enclosed swingset/sandbox and I told Jolie to go play with him. My mother and I were right on the deck so it wasn't like she was alone... but she lost it. She screamed and cried for over 4 hours. She hit, pushed, screamed, sobbed, was unbelievably hysterical over a fear of bees. I think we saw 2 bees the entire time. When logic prevailed she began her screaming again about she didn't want to be here and just wants to watch TV... which was the actual problem to start with. We made it through the tantrum... and I am happy to report that she is playing outside happily by her own choice right now. I guess it seemed like a good choice seeing as how I flat out refused to turn the TV back on today...lol.

     Right now Monkey is napping and the other three are outside playing. I am absolutely loving it!

Oh! Peter rode a tricycle today... I didn't get any pictures but I will soon!