Waiting...

I've been waiting to post. I have a big huge idea for a post that I need to do, more for me than anything else. Really I write for me. When I do write.

This last week or two has been kinda rough for me. I'm 7 days away from a full month of not smoking and I ditched the horrible Chantix. I hit a point with the Chantix where dying was starting to sound like a beautiful and wonderful idea. That day I knew I had to stop. My girls are incredibly proud of me for not smoking anymore. I didn't realize how much THEY wanted me to quit. Their excitement over me putting down the cigarettes is reason enough to stick with it. I don't want to disappoint my kids if I can at all avoid it.

See, I haven't always been a great parent. I don't even know that I'm a great parent now. What I do know is that I have improved exponentially since the early years. In the early years I was overworked, overtired, and overwhelmed. My girls had their needs met. I worked long and hard hours, but emotionally I just wasn't invested or present. I couldn't be, I couldn't find time to be. I worked 45-60 hours a week and was lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night. I wasn't taking care of myself physically, mentally, or even emotionally. I merely existed. I followed every step given to me by every therapist and doctor, faithfully, no questions asked. I truly believed I was being a great parent.

Fast forward a few years... it really wasn't until 2010 that I started to realize that I was doing things all wrong. That I really liked the Xanax prescription my doctor gave me a little too much (okay a LOT too much but that was a secret). I truly believe in many ways that Xander saved me. Saved all of us. I loved Xanax, but I loved Xander more. The night pregnancy test came back positive I stopped. I couldn't have done it without the support I was blessed with (and hours long phone calls) by two people who have never ever given up on me even in my worst moments. A lot more happened... we're just going to fast forward again.

So now we have this baby and we're desperately fighting to get services. Beth is over 3 so EI is out of the picture and there's NO ONE willing to help. She's too young for everywhere we try and the few people that will see her tell me they are pretty sure she's schizophrenic and they can't handle that in a 4 year old. Joelene is busy destroying everything she can get her hands on, Peter won't talk. Hell, he'll only scream. For hours. Every day. We start evals for Peter and my job says "Sorry, this isn't working out."

THAT is where I started to realize that I wasn't a good mother.

And this is a good place to stop because this is going to lead into where I'm headed next.

A Good Kind of Tired...

I wasn't going to write this tonight... I really wasn't going to to do anything tonight, but it sort of ended up being one of those nights where I couldn't shut my thoughts off.

The children... they shut down hard right about 8 pm. Which is a true testament to their awesome day since we got home around 7:15 pm roughly. The entire afternoon went off without one meltdown. No signs of obvious anxiety, depression, or drastic over-stimulation. It was as close to a perfect afternoon as I think I've ever seen. I really didn't want it to end. It was just so perfect.

All good things have to end though, and nothing good ever comes without a price, right?

Typically even the best days end with at least one massive meltdown. Tonight Beth cried a little as she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with Joelene branching out socially and when another child wouldn't let her kick a ball. And then she went to sleep. The epic meltdown never happened. And the things she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with are the very same things that were just written into her IEP on Friday as new goals (branching out socially and handling peer conflict) so there's no surprise that she found those two things a struggle.

Yeah, I think I can handle this.

Change

Change is hard. Growing is harder. Growing and changing at the same time... well that's just painful.

Yet that's exactly what I'm doing.

It wasn't really my intention. Anyone who's every truly known me knows I traditionally resist change. I don't like my routine altered, even a little. I have never seen the point in growing because, well, that's a change. Change alters routines. I don't like my routines altered. See where this is headed? Rinse, lather, repeat....

When I was younger I made it work with my ninja like cunning manipulation skills that I didn't even realize I had. I found (and married) a man who didn't require me to change or grow at all. I lived in childish ignorance and was quite happy there.

But, see... life doesn't really work like that.

Each baby changed me just a little bit. Maybe it wasn't really noticeable at first, but it was happening. Had I noticed it was happening I probably would have fought it. I didn't do change.

Regardless, it was happening. And the behaviors started. Followed by the diagnoses. One child after another, like a row of dominoes being knocked down. The more dominoes fell the more I insisted that I could do this alone and that I still wasn't going to grow. I wasn't going to change.

Did I mention I've been accused of being stubborn?

Where am I going with this? Hell if I know... I'm rambling again.

Around March I woke up one day (almost literally) and realized how incredibly lonely it was not to have a solid extended family. My children were missing out on so much. You know why? Because that's exactly how I designed it. Not really consciously, but I did. I wrapped us in a cocoon and kept us safe from the possibility of rejection. Its one of the same reasons I make sure to minimize my interactions with the general public. I take online classes at the local community college. Why? Because social interaction is seriously exhausting. Really, this post is becoming exhausting.

Then I ended up forced into taking a class in person. Trust me, this was NOT my idea and I was not okay with it, but I really had no choice. Low and behold, I did just fine. It was uncomfortable and it was exhausting. It was beyond challenging and I missed a few days, but I made it through and got an A.

During the weeks that class was in session I got a phone call inviting my husband, children, and myself to a social event. The call was completely unexpected, just a few days notice. The polite decline was on the tip of my tongue when I suddenly decided that we could, and should, try. More than that, that I WANTED to try. That I wanted to try for ME. Not just for my beloveds, but for me too.

We went, we did well, and we were invited to visit again. And we have received another invitation. I'll admit this one seems a bit bigger and has me a little more nervous, but we were invited again. The rejected I feared hasn't come yet. Know why? Probably because the rejection was only in my head to start with.

Step by step, day by day, sometimes simply hour by hour.... that's how we're making it through. Today marks 12 days smoke free for me. I have two semesters left of my Associates degree and then its on to my Bachelors degree and I think I decided today that there is a Master's degree in my future. I spent a few hours today locked in fascinating research on Reactive Attachment Disorder and that is an area that needs FAR more attention.

Life is good, friends.

How are you making it through?

Positive...

Yes, I am positive things need to change.... or keep changing, rather.

See, for reasons I simply can't put my finger on 2012 changed me. It wasn't a quick, hard, and fast change. It was a gentle, slow, and "oh wow I didn't even see it coming" change. I realized it sometime Christmas Eve after my own private pity party. I said it on my Facebook... I see 2012 leaving and I like what I see coming in 2013.

I have worked hard in 2012, to the horror of a lot of random people (mostly people I've never actually met in person), to keep Beth off of psych medications. She just turned 8 this past summer and I am simply not comfortable giving her these medications I have read about that are most commonly used and am not comfortable at all with them being given to my child. She does have high levels of anxiety, auditory and visual hallucinations, and disorganized thought patterns but she has responded very well to non-medication interventions. We don't discourage her coping methods at home. For the most part her hallucinations have been friendly and she's been able to keep the "bad voices" at bay, or come talk to me if they start to overwhelm her. We had our handful of scary hallucinations, really down times, and really scary moments but we made it through okay and those were the exception and not the rule. Should the time come where the status quo changes, we will make that decision but we do check in periodically with our med doctor and so far she agrees with our technique.

In order to keep her off of the medications I've had to do a drastic overhaul of my thinking. Lord knows I'm not perfect and I make quite a few mistakes. These mistakes have been learning experiences for all of us. Beth knows that Mommy can only handle so much at one time. Especially when Xander is in destructo-mode (which is 95% of the time), Peter is melting down because Beth and Xander combined are causing an over-stimulation for him, and Jolie is singing loudly to drown them all out. The girls and I are learning how to step back and wind down and in turn are able to work together to teach Peter how to. We are trying with Xander. He will pick it up in time.

When I'm not fighting off a cold I use certain scents of incense to help me focus and feel calm. I've also been using certain yoga poses. I do puzzles with the kids, Xander and I play cars, Jolie does a lot of coloring, and Beth does a lot of reading. The kids use Angry Birds to focus and unwind and I use crocheting and Bubble pop games. We have made so many great strides in 2012!

One thing I realized is that at some point in 2012 I stopped focusing on what I don't have and started to focus on how to get what I need. I don't sit around and complain about what I lack anymore. If I need something I do my best to find ways to provide it or provide for it. I'm learning how to ask for help. I'm learning to trust in myself in order to trust in others. One of the things that has stood out to me is that the more often I keep my attitude and mindset positive the better I feel in general. Its not a natural state for me, however, (which is sad to say) so it takes a lot of work and effort to stay positive and that can be exhausting. Its something myself and our therapist is working on with Beth too. Beth and I are learning together how to value ourselves even though we both find so many positive things about each other.

Its so exciting how much there is left to learn!

2012

2012 has been an intense year. A year I haven't really kept much, if any, written log of.

I wanted to. I knew I should... but I held back everytime I thought about it. I came up with a thousand different reasons why I shouldn't share our story. I still have some of those concerns but mostly I think I was just afraid of opening up. Going forward I want to combat that fear. I want to be open and keep a journal of our experiences.

I follow some blogs with some regularity. Some of people I communicate with, others because their story touches me. Some of them are careful to hide their children's names, or their locations... others share their locations and names with no issues. I probably should take more care to mask my children's identities but the truth is that this is the internet. Anyone who really wants to find out who they are is going to. And why someone would want to go through all that work really baffles me. Most of my readers already know that anyways... ya know, all 10 of you...lol.

So 2012....

We danced with child onset schizophrenia, anxiety, emerging personality disorders, autism, and ADHD. We struggled through speech delays, sensory issues, cognitive delays, and ongoing destructive behaviors. We struggled with self harm, aggression, and pathological lies.

But.... that didn't define us. That was not all we did.

We crochet owl hats, other hats, scarves, santa hats, and many failed projects...

We went to the beach.

We had play dates and formed bonds with friends who understood that we weren't going to be "typical".

We started to form bonds with each other in meaningful ways (we still have our moments, but I'll take the good when I can get it.)

We learned to ride bikes.

We got kittens!!

We sang with the school chorus.

We did so much more, as a family and separately. I went back to school, took an advocacy class, learned a lot from a few of the best friends a girl could possibly ask for, and learned not to expect anything more from someone than they are capable of giving. I know who will be there for me no matter what time, day or night, that I need them. Now I just need to learn how to ask for that help when I need it.

So wrapping up 2012 I find myself encouraged. The road will be rocky and hard but there is so much left to learn and that is really exciting!