What the hell am I doing?

No, seriously. It is now officially school vacation week. Yesterday we had a nice birthday party for Xander and my best friend (S)'s son J. Xanders turned 2 yesterday and J turned 1... it was a kinda big party, but it actually wasn't. Together S and I have 8 children. Anytime our kids are together it looks like a big party.

The party was fun. Good times with good people and the kids were all great. Afterwards, looking at pictures, I realized just how huge I really am. Now trust me, this isn't one of those "oh look at poor me" drama statements. Its the statement of a 30 year old diabetic with 2 challenged children who needs to her head back into the game. S is beautiful... and tiny. I don't think I'm ugly, but I need some work. And not work because I think skinny is beautiful.... work because this simply isn't healthy and isn't being the best me I can be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still 30lbs less than I was this time last year. I worked hard for that and I'm still very proud of that but when everything exploded with the kids, schools, evals, etc... I let myself fall to the back burner. I managed to only put back on about 2lbs but I didn't lose anymore. This has to change. I have to go back to being serious. I have to take care of myself. Lately, more than ever, I am acutely aware of the fact that no one is going to do anything for me. I have to do this myself. Likewise, if I get seriously sick no one is going to fix it for me. I have to get stronger in body, mind, and spirit.

I don't think I'm weak. I don't think I'm horrible or awful or ugly. I am constantly aware that I don't live up to the standards of those I respect. I always seem to be a day late and a dollar short, but its never from lack of effort. However, I've known this and I haven't done anything to fix it.

That's going to change.