Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Change

Change is hard. Growing is harder. Growing and changing at the same time... well that's just painful.

Yet that's exactly what I'm doing.

It wasn't really my intention. Anyone who's every truly known me knows I traditionally resist change. I don't like my routine altered, even a little. I have never seen the point in growing because, well, that's a change. Change alters routines. I don't like my routines altered. See where this is headed? Rinse, lather, repeat....

When I was younger I made it work with my ninja like cunning manipulation skills that I didn't even realize I had. I found (and married) a man who didn't require me to change or grow at all. I lived in childish ignorance and was quite happy there.

But, see... life doesn't really work like that.

Each baby changed me just a little bit. Maybe it wasn't really noticeable at first, but it was happening. Had I noticed it was happening I probably would have fought it. I didn't do change.

Regardless, it was happening. And the behaviors started. Followed by the diagnoses. One child after another, like a row of dominoes being knocked down. The more dominoes fell the more I insisted that I could do this alone and that I still wasn't going to grow. I wasn't going to change.

Did I mention I've been accused of being stubborn?

Where am I going with this? Hell if I know... I'm rambling again.

Around March I woke up one day (almost literally) and realized how incredibly lonely it was not to have a solid extended family. My children were missing out on so much. You know why? Because that's exactly how I designed it. Not really consciously, but I did. I wrapped us in a cocoon and kept us safe from the possibility of rejection. Its one of the same reasons I make sure to minimize my interactions with the general public. I take online classes at the local community college. Why? Because social interaction is seriously exhausting. Really, this post is becoming exhausting.

Then I ended up forced into taking a class in person. Trust me, this was NOT my idea and I was not okay with it, but I really had no choice. Low and behold, I did just fine. It was uncomfortable and it was exhausting. It was beyond challenging and I missed a few days, but I made it through and got an A.

During the weeks that class was in session I got a phone call inviting my husband, children, and myself to a social event. The call was completely unexpected, just a few days notice. The polite decline was on the tip of my tongue when I suddenly decided that we could, and should, try. More than that, that I WANTED to try. That I wanted to try for ME. Not just for my beloveds, but for me too.

We went, we did well, and we were invited to visit again. And we have received another invitation. I'll admit this one seems a bit bigger and has me a little more nervous, but we were invited again. The rejected I feared hasn't come yet. Know why? Probably because the rejection was only in my head to start with.

Step by step, day by day, sometimes simply hour by hour.... that's how we're making it through. Today marks 12 days smoke free for me. I have two semesters left of my Associates degree and then its on to my Bachelors degree and I think I decided today that there is a Master's degree in my future. I spent a few hours today locked in fascinating research on Reactive Attachment Disorder and that is an area that needs FAR more attention.

Life is good, friends.

How are you making it through?

5 comments:

  1. Forget being like Mike, I want to be like you! Your insight, intelligence, caring ways....ambition. I am so glad you're in my life!

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  2. The belief that we stop growing once puberty is over is a crock of lies. I think that's where the real growing begins. Over the 8 years I've known you, I've watched you change and grow in so many ways. You should be incredibly proud of how much you've grown and changed and an even more beautiful person, I know I am.

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    Replies
    1. into an even* (need more coffee)

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    2. Aww thats very sweet! Thank you! <3

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