A Good Kind of Tired...

I wasn't going to write this tonight... I really wasn't going to to do anything tonight, but it sort of ended up being one of those nights where I couldn't shut my thoughts off.

The children... they shut down hard right about 8 pm. Which is a true testament to their awesome day since we got home around 7:15 pm roughly. The entire afternoon went off without one meltdown. No signs of obvious anxiety, depression, or drastic over-stimulation. It was as close to a perfect afternoon as I think I've ever seen. I really didn't want it to end. It was just so perfect.

All good things have to end though, and nothing good ever comes without a price, right?

Typically even the best days end with at least one massive meltdown. Tonight Beth cried a little as she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with Joelene branching out socially and when another child wouldn't let her kick a ball. And then she went to sleep. The epic meltdown never happened. And the things she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with are the very same things that were just written into her IEP on Friday as new goals (branching out socially and handling peer conflict) so there's no surprise that she found those two things a struggle.

Yeah, I think I can handle this.

Progress

Today was Beth's annual IEP meeting... and for the first time in 3 years not only was there obvious progress, but there was data (actual written data) to back it up!

It was an almost surreal meeting. This happened to be her 3 year re-eval to make sure she still qualified for services. That always makes me nervous but there really was little doubt that she still qualified. I honestly expected to have to fight for that. I was shocked when it was very aptly handled. We breezed through her evals which were pretty much exactly what was expected and then spent the following hour (yes, HOUR) going over the IEP line by line. Line by line. Literally. All of the junk I've been begging to have removed for years is gone (amid mumbles of "why was that even in there??"), things were moved and put into proper places, the team agreed that she absolutely can't be without a paraprofessional in the classroom all day so that stays. All of the accommodations currently in place were moved into the IEP and a behavior plan is going into place to handle "escape behaviors" and "neat and legible work" since the OT evals keep insisting its not an OT problem.

And the big piece...

She met the goals on her current IEP. Met them. You know, the goals she hasn't been able to meet in 3 years? She met them. I have data, accurate, honest, written data. I've seen with my own eyes outside of school that she now has those skills. So, we created some new goals.

I'm so. freaking. excited!

And if it all falls when school starts back up in the fall, then we meet again and fix it. The IEP actually looks like a real, honest, IEP.

This team really does seem dedicated to her success. Sometimes its merely a matter of getting the right people in a room together. Other times its letting a little girl work her way into people's hearts!

Coming up....

Maybe, in the near future, I'll get better at titles. Probably not, but maybe....

There's a massive amount of things running through my brain that I really want to make sense of so this space is going to be for that. Those of you that I know personally who read this will absolutely find it interesting. If you don't... well, you can't say my blog was every really that interesting to start with then, can you.

Its going to get raw, at times uncomfortable, and sometimes it won't make sense right away. But its going to  be one hell of a ride!


Tomorrow night Beth has her all city choral night. She's so nervous but so very excited to share what she's worked so hard on all year. I intend to video it so she can watch it later and so not-so-local family and friends can see it. I think I've decided to leave my boys at home. They really don't do well in large groups of people and its going to be late evening so there's really no reason to push them. Joelene can't wait to see her sister perform though!  I'm not sure who's more excited!

And I have it on good authority that some of the grandparents will be in attendance. B will be SO excited when she realizes that. Good things for my good girl! <3 data-blogger-escaped-p="">

Change

Change is hard. Growing is harder. Growing and changing at the same time... well that's just painful.

Yet that's exactly what I'm doing.

It wasn't really my intention. Anyone who's every truly known me knows I traditionally resist change. I don't like my routine altered, even a little. I have never seen the point in growing because, well, that's a change. Change alters routines. I don't like my routines altered. See where this is headed? Rinse, lather, repeat....

When I was younger I made it work with my ninja like cunning manipulation skills that I didn't even realize I had. I found (and married) a man who didn't require me to change or grow at all. I lived in childish ignorance and was quite happy there.

But, see... life doesn't really work like that.

Each baby changed me just a little bit. Maybe it wasn't really noticeable at first, but it was happening. Had I noticed it was happening I probably would have fought it. I didn't do change.

Regardless, it was happening. And the behaviors started. Followed by the diagnoses. One child after another, like a row of dominoes being knocked down. The more dominoes fell the more I insisted that I could do this alone and that I still wasn't going to grow. I wasn't going to change.

Did I mention I've been accused of being stubborn?

Where am I going with this? Hell if I know... I'm rambling again.

Around March I woke up one day (almost literally) and realized how incredibly lonely it was not to have a solid extended family. My children were missing out on so much. You know why? Because that's exactly how I designed it. Not really consciously, but I did. I wrapped us in a cocoon and kept us safe from the possibility of rejection. Its one of the same reasons I make sure to minimize my interactions with the general public. I take online classes at the local community college. Why? Because social interaction is seriously exhausting. Really, this post is becoming exhausting.

Then I ended up forced into taking a class in person. Trust me, this was NOT my idea and I was not okay with it, but I really had no choice. Low and behold, I did just fine. It was uncomfortable and it was exhausting. It was beyond challenging and I missed a few days, but I made it through and got an A.

During the weeks that class was in session I got a phone call inviting my husband, children, and myself to a social event. The call was completely unexpected, just a few days notice. The polite decline was on the tip of my tongue when I suddenly decided that we could, and should, try. More than that, that I WANTED to try. That I wanted to try for ME. Not just for my beloveds, but for me too.

We went, we did well, and we were invited to visit again. And we have received another invitation. I'll admit this one seems a bit bigger and has me a little more nervous, but we were invited again. The rejected I feared hasn't come yet. Know why? Probably because the rejection was only in my head to start with.

Step by step, day by day, sometimes simply hour by hour.... that's how we're making it through. Today marks 12 days smoke free for me. I have two semesters left of my Associates degree and then its on to my Bachelors degree and I think I decided today that there is a Master's degree in my future. I spent a few hours today locked in fascinating research on Reactive Attachment Disorder and that is an area that needs FAR more attention.

Life is good, friends.

How are you making it through?