A Good Kind of Tired...

I wasn't going to write this tonight... I really wasn't going to to do anything tonight, but it sort of ended up being one of those nights where I couldn't shut my thoughts off.

The children... they shut down hard right about 8 pm. Which is a true testament to their awesome day since we got home around 7:15 pm roughly. The entire afternoon went off without one meltdown. No signs of obvious anxiety, depression, or drastic over-stimulation. It was as close to a perfect afternoon as I think I've ever seen. I really didn't want it to end. It was just so perfect.

All good things have to end though, and nothing good ever comes without a price, right?

Typically even the best days end with at least one massive meltdown. Tonight Beth cried a little as she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with Joelene branching out socially and when another child wouldn't let her kick a ball. And then she went to sleep. The epic meltdown never happened. And the things she expressed feeling uncomfortable* with are the very same things that were just written into her IEP on Friday as new goals (branching out socially and handling peer conflict) so there's no surprise that she found those two things a struggle.

Yeah, I think I can handle this.

Progress

Today was Beth's annual IEP meeting... and for the first time in 3 years not only was there obvious progress, but there was data (actual written data) to back it up!

It was an almost surreal meeting. This happened to be her 3 year re-eval to make sure she still qualified for services. That always makes me nervous but there really was little doubt that she still qualified. I honestly expected to have to fight for that. I was shocked when it was very aptly handled. We breezed through her evals which were pretty much exactly what was expected and then spent the following hour (yes, HOUR) going over the IEP line by line. Line by line. Literally. All of the junk I've been begging to have removed for years is gone (amid mumbles of "why was that even in there??"), things were moved and put into proper places, the team agreed that she absolutely can't be without a paraprofessional in the classroom all day so that stays. All of the accommodations currently in place were moved into the IEP and a behavior plan is going into place to handle "escape behaviors" and "neat and legible work" since the OT evals keep insisting its not an OT problem.

And the big piece...

She met the goals on her current IEP. Met them. You know, the goals she hasn't been able to meet in 3 years? She met them. I have data, accurate, honest, written data. I've seen with my own eyes outside of school that she now has those skills. So, we created some new goals.

I'm so. freaking. excited!

And if it all falls when school starts back up in the fall, then we meet again and fix it. The IEP actually looks like a real, honest, IEP.

This team really does seem dedicated to her success. Sometimes its merely a matter of getting the right people in a room together. Other times its letting a little girl work her way into people's hearts!

Coming up....

Maybe, in the near future, I'll get better at titles. Probably not, but maybe....

There's a massive amount of things running through my brain that I really want to make sense of so this space is going to be for that. Those of you that I know personally who read this will absolutely find it interesting. If you don't... well, you can't say my blog was every really that interesting to start with then, can you.

Its going to get raw, at times uncomfortable, and sometimes it won't make sense right away. But its going to  be one hell of a ride!


Tomorrow night Beth has her all city choral night. She's so nervous but so very excited to share what she's worked so hard on all year. I intend to video it so she can watch it later and so not-so-local family and friends can see it. I think I've decided to leave my boys at home. They really don't do well in large groups of people and its going to be late evening so there's really no reason to push them. Joelene can't wait to see her sister perform though!  I'm not sure who's more excited!

And I have it on good authority that some of the grandparents will be in attendance. B will be SO excited when she realizes that. Good things for my good girl! <3 data-blogger-escaped-p="">

Change

Change is hard. Growing is harder. Growing and changing at the same time... well that's just painful.

Yet that's exactly what I'm doing.

It wasn't really my intention. Anyone who's every truly known me knows I traditionally resist change. I don't like my routine altered, even a little. I have never seen the point in growing because, well, that's a change. Change alters routines. I don't like my routines altered. See where this is headed? Rinse, lather, repeat....

When I was younger I made it work with my ninja like cunning manipulation skills that I didn't even realize I had. I found (and married) a man who didn't require me to change or grow at all. I lived in childish ignorance and was quite happy there.

But, see... life doesn't really work like that.

Each baby changed me just a little bit. Maybe it wasn't really noticeable at first, but it was happening. Had I noticed it was happening I probably would have fought it. I didn't do change.

Regardless, it was happening. And the behaviors started. Followed by the diagnoses. One child after another, like a row of dominoes being knocked down. The more dominoes fell the more I insisted that I could do this alone and that I still wasn't going to grow. I wasn't going to change.

Did I mention I've been accused of being stubborn?

Where am I going with this? Hell if I know... I'm rambling again.

Around March I woke up one day (almost literally) and realized how incredibly lonely it was not to have a solid extended family. My children were missing out on so much. You know why? Because that's exactly how I designed it. Not really consciously, but I did. I wrapped us in a cocoon and kept us safe from the possibility of rejection. Its one of the same reasons I make sure to minimize my interactions with the general public. I take online classes at the local community college. Why? Because social interaction is seriously exhausting. Really, this post is becoming exhausting.

Then I ended up forced into taking a class in person. Trust me, this was NOT my idea and I was not okay with it, but I really had no choice. Low and behold, I did just fine. It was uncomfortable and it was exhausting. It was beyond challenging and I missed a few days, but I made it through and got an A.

During the weeks that class was in session I got a phone call inviting my husband, children, and myself to a social event. The call was completely unexpected, just a few days notice. The polite decline was on the tip of my tongue when I suddenly decided that we could, and should, try. More than that, that I WANTED to try. That I wanted to try for ME. Not just for my beloveds, but for me too.

We went, we did well, and we were invited to visit again. And we have received another invitation. I'll admit this one seems a bit bigger and has me a little more nervous, but we were invited again. The rejected I feared hasn't come yet. Know why? Probably because the rejection was only in my head to start with.

Step by step, day by day, sometimes simply hour by hour.... that's how we're making it through. Today marks 12 days smoke free for me. I have two semesters left of my Associates degree and then its on to my Bachelors degree and I think I decided today that there is a Master's degree in my future. I spent a few hours today locked in fascinating research on Reactive Attachment Disorder and that is an area that needs FAR more attention.

Life is good, friends.

How are you making it through?

To my girlie

It's after 10:30pm. The rest of the house is asleep. I was going to try and sleep but then I heard something. I heard you, my child, talking and laughing away. I went to check on you and we had a quiet talk about how we have to be quiet this late at night. You mentioned your friends and the noise in your head.

I know that sometimes it seems like Mama isn't paying attention. What you don't realize, my love, is that I rarely miss a step. Everything about you and your siblings fascinates me. Every challenge leaves me exhausted but proud. Why proud? Proud because we haven't hit one yet that we couldn't overcome together.

When people talk about you to me one of the things they mentioned us how quick you are to share your feelings. I'm very proud of you for that. Mama struggles there in that way but somehow I managed, with the help of therapists, to teach you that amazing skill. Oh how I envy that skill.

One day you will more than likely read this. You are very aware of all I do and you have a huge desire to learn more and discover all you can. I hope when you look back you aren't upset by what I shared with the world. Your story is my story too, love. If you are upset, I know we will talk it over and adjust as necessary because we can communicate so well.

You are quiet now. I'm hoping you are finding peace and the sweetest of dreams. Goodnight my pooh bear. Tomorrow we hit the ground running again.

Things that make you go hmmmm....

These last couple weeks have been one hell of a ride. I'm drowning in school work, dealing with a massively crazy car situation, and of course working with the kids. The kids are doing very well and for that I'm truly thankful.

Xander is exploding with new skills, better vocabulary, and better people skills. His sensory issues are still fairly serious but for the most part he's happy and that's really what I've been working towards with him. He's turning 3 next month and although he's still delayed in his skillset I'm really encouraged by what I've been seeing in him.

Peter is going through some angry days at school still and really doesn't like going to school anymore. Luckily he has an awesome teacher who is just as determined as we are to find out why. I have a sneaking suspicion that its the rigidity in thinking that we are seeing at play here.

Joelene has blossomed so much in the last couple of weeks and I really hope we continue with this upward trend. She's been so helpful around the house and the constant stealing and lying has definitely decreased. I think the collaborative problem solving technique is working with her.

Beth is doing okay. We are still in a holding pattern with her but she's really demonstrating amazing self control. We are still working on effective communication and this summer I plan to introduce gardening to her and see if getting her out in nature doing something she's shown interest in will help her center herself. I'm glad I didn't panic and medicate her a few months ago when it got really bad.

All in all I'm incredibly excited to see how much progress we've made with the kids without medication. I'm definitely not knocking medication. I know in some cases its very necessary but in our life so far we have made drastic parenting changes and have used therapy, social stories, patience, and lifestyle changes and so far this seems to be working. It may not always work, but I'll take the positives when I can get them...lol.

Winter...

... needs to go away.

Seriously. The blizzard was cool, its been awhile since we've had that much snow at once and the kids thought it was amazing! Aside from that, winter has been cold and uncaring this year.

Joelene's been sick on and off for what seems like weeks now. Nothing major, just annoying. The boys and I now have a massive cold. I'm drowning in school work for 5 classes and 2 of those are accelerated 7 week classes so I've literally barely had time to breathe. Add to that Peter's "angry" meltdowns and Beth's spikes in anxiety over yet another project at school (this would be project number 3... the anxiety is getting worse with each project) and the boys' sudden and unexplained fear of dogs we've owned for a year or more... yeah its been crazy.

I've only made it out of the house for quick store runs, my husband's weekly appointment, or the inevitable runs I have to make to the school every couple of weeks for Beth since November. My own health is iffy mostly because of stress coming at me from all directions.

So I started simplifying. I am making an active effort to stretch every hour. I've damn near tripled my water intake. I've simplified my nightly prayers/blessings because it was taking over 40 minutes a night to get through what I wanted to and I don't sleep all that much as it is so I needed a new game plan there. I like the simplified format better and nothing really had to be cut down.

I've been spending some time inbetween school work researching ways to cut expenses. I'm going to grow our vegetables this summer, we're going to eat very light this summer and focus on hitting sales to stock our freezers for the winter, and we're going to slim down birthdays and Christmas to fun but financially responsible.

I really need the spring to come back so I can get outside. I really feel better overall, and so do the kids, when we're outside. The girls are much more stable in mood, temperament  and mental health when they can spend most of the day riding bikes and playing in the yard. We all benefit hugely from being out in the sun!